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              Let’s put the lights down low, flip the disco light on, turn a little Boyz 2 Men on and chat for a moment about – kissin. (Cue the ultra-low, black guy voice that goes “ awwwwww yeah”)

Now, look, I know that I am no kind of expert at this. In fact, I consider myself to be quite the amateur. It’s starting to drive me just a little bit crazy though. Firstly, I think people are just watching way too many freaking movies. I don’t care what you’re favorite, wittiest, most beautiful actress loves to do in that romantic comedy that you flip with on with your girlfriends wearing your “cutest” pajama pants, eating Dove chocolates and complaining about how “all the guys out here are jerks”, does. That weird, Pac-man trying to swallow your tongue, acting like you think my tonsils got the antidote, doesn’t really work in real life. You can’t just mush your mouth into mine like you’re a fish trying to get air. I don’t know why it feels that some people go for the “squid in your gaping blowhole I just want to see what you ate for lunch” approach. You’re going to make me barf in your mouth.

Also, this is a kiss not a war. You don’t need to attack my face. You aren’t in danger. There is no need for you to bite and scratch your way down my throat into my gut. Maybe you’re watching a lot of nature shows and you think the wolverine is a very romantic animal. You’re wrong. You’re freaking me out, back off. Now, I gotta delete you from my phone and hope we don’t run into each other anymore. Let’s not do that. It’s awkward.

I’m going to introduce a word at this point – synergy. You hear this word a lot in the corporate world. Synergy: [noun] a mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements. This is something we need to bring to the world of kissing. Think about it, why do you kiss to begin with? Is it because you just think you’re so freaking awesome you just gotta show somebody? You opened a starburst with your tongue this weekend and now all your best buds say you must be a good kisser? Let’s not be ridiculous. I would hope that when you’re about to kiss - you have met someone that you like (time is not a factor) and now would like to share an intimate moment with them. So, if you’re SHARING this intimate moment, why then are you acting like my face just became some sort of crazy dance floor and you’re tongues trying to breakdance all over it? If I want to kiss myself, I can slobber all over my bathroom mirror (after I clean the toothpaste off) or my hand would do nicely also. Draw a little face, make a girly voice… don’t worry about how I know this - point is, it’s not difficult.

                Here’s the point : I’m no good on my own and neither are you. Together maybe we can do something nice. I know, you think you’re good. You’ve got a “style”. You had some boyfriend who said he liked whatever you think is “your specialty” now. But I don’t FREAKING care. When you go all crazy all I can think of is the movie Alien with that little popping out of its mouth and I’m wondering where people like you come from.