An open letter to my Ex-Girlfriends (and chicks I got with but can't remember your name)

Dear Ms. (e)X,

An old cowboy in Columbia Falls, Montana taught me that every good story starts with the same four words : So there I was. So, there I was sitting in the handball court waiting for my turn, watching the most beautiful girl on the planet, Holly. She looked like an angel standing there in her mink coat (looking back it was most likely some sort of faux fur but, hey, when you're seven that's a mink coat) talking about nonsense and making giggling noises that sounded more like a pack of rats that just run through a gauntlet of porcupines and then had a vat of hydrogen peroxide dumped on their heads. I was in love with her. Every boy in the second grade who didn't think girls were "yucky" was.

As Valentines Day approached and my watching of her grew from fascination to an almost "creepy stalker" status I decided had to make a move and this was my big chance. If I could (just like the movies) make a huge romantic gesture (just like the movies) Holly would fall in love with me (just like the movies).

Now, growing up I was poor – I still am actually. As such, on Valentines Day I could never get "real" Valentines. We didn't go to Wal-Mart and get them (Those are $2.25!!) We went to the dollar store so we could get our Valentine knock offs. This means that while most of you were handing Valentines with real cartoons on them like 'The Smurfs' or 'Transformers', I was hitting people with my second-rate cards of 'The Snorks' and 'Go-Bots'. As everyone knows your standard Valentine set contains approximately thirty regular Valentines and 1-2 "Teacher" Valentines which tend to be about twice the size of a standard Valentine. I guess Hallmark thinks sucking up to authority is something that should start in elementary school.

The night before Valentines Day I went to work. Firstly, I had about 30 kids in my class and about 30 cards so I had to decide which of my schoolmates were not going to get a Valentine this year. Keith picks his nose in class – gone. Jerry never plays handball and goes and dances in the recess yard – probably better off not. Sammy stuck his finger in my snackpack – so long,sucker! And so on. Once I had trimmed off about 5 or 6 I was good. My teacher had hated me ever since I stuck thumbtacks on her seat (I thought adults weren't supposed to hold grudges?) and she had to go to the hospital for butt stitches, so she was not getting one. Then, I went to town. Man, I was proud. I took a few sheets of binder paper and various Valentines and made a card that I felt properly expressed my feelings: I'd live in Snorkville with you forever, Valentine or You're a Heavy Metal Valentine! Were some of my favorites. It just didn't seem complete, however, so I stole an old stuffed bunny rabbit from little sister and threw it in there, too. Sorry, Ashley!

Valentines Day I was a nervous wreck. I wondered what I would do with my new popularity. Would I be a merciful king? Probably not, I'd make Mike pay me back all the lunch money he's been taking from me for the past 2 years and then complete the cycle of abuse by taking the lunch monies of as many poor saps as I could.

Traditionally, on Valentines Day, the teacher sends the kids around alphabetical order so there's not a mad rush of crazy kids with 'Fruity-O's" and "Skittles" flying in every direction. Holly being an 'H' and me being a 'J' we were both in right about the middle and went at about the same time. I wanted to play it cool with my Valentine to her and I didn't want to spoil the surprise of what she gave me so I made sure not to make eye contact with or even look directly AT her as I made my rounds.

As, I went around I noticed that Holly was giving out WHOLE PACKS of LifeSavers with her Valentines! Wow! I knew she was rich but I couldn't even imagine this. The rich kids tended to give 'Fun Size" m&m's and some kids gave out a few sweethearts candy (which I pretty sure is made at the 'Tums' factory) but a FULL SIZE LIFESAVER PACK? And, how did she know that LifeSavers is one my favorites? I hurriedly finished off my handouts so I could gather my loot.

Same as every kid I read none of my Valentines, threw out all the ones with no candy in them and searched to see what the girl I loved had given and what it had said. Strange... I can't find it. Double check... Yep, not here yet. Holly hadn't quite finished yet so I tried to act like I actually cared about the other Valentines by reading them each. When I had finished, I realized that she had made her rounds. Now, my alarm level raised at this but I wasn't quite panicked yet. Did she forget mine? Maybe it was still at her desk. And then it hit me, of COURSE! She has a SPECIAL Valentine for me. One she didn't want to share with the entire class! Women are traditionally more shy and reserved when it comes to things like this so it would make sense that her "grand romantic gesture" would be handled away from the prying eyes of the public.

After class, I went to one of her best friends, AnneMarie, to find out what had happened. Hey, I'm 8. I'm not doing this thing face to face! I ask her why I didn't get a Valentine from Holly. Of course, she's not too sure about this so she says she'll find out and get back to me. What seems like hours later she comes back and for some reason she has that bunny that I gave to Holly. Odd. "Holly says 'She knew you liked her so she didn't give you a Valentine because she doesn't like you. Also, she wanted me to give you this." She hands me back the bunny. I shrugged and walked away. And then I died.

Eminem said "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe." I think that's where I was at, at that moment. However, I decided to not take this experience "lying down". I went home and started working immediately on my next big project. I decided to install a giant, red "Self Destruct" button on my heart. I decided that if anyone ever got to close to my heart, if ever I started to care about them more than myself I would hit this button and immediately destroy this relationship.

I never again want(ed) to have this feeling of pain. Why should I? I'm a good lookin guy! I'm fun to be around! If chump don' wan' me chump don' git me! As Snoop Dogg said "We don' love dem hoes!" I take what I want when I want it and if you don't like it you know where the door's at sister! Never again can I allow my heart, feelings and emotions to be stomped on and crushed by some uncaring strumpet who just decides how and what I am going to feel. I dictate the terms of my emotions and my capacity to (not) love.

Subsequently, I sabotaged every single relationship I ever had from that point forward. Generally, I found most women leave at infidelity. If that doesn't work you might just have to call a "Code Red" and really start trashing the relationship. Alcoholism, gambling whatever it takes right? I mean, I guess I could just be open and tell them how I'm feeling but that would just get them closer and would really work against my goal.

"I take you where you want to go.

I give you all you need to know.

I drag you down, I use you up.

Mr. Self-destruct!"

-Trent Reznor.

Some girls were lucky enough that their relationship already had a big red button in it that I did not install. For example, I'm only in town for a short while or something so I never had to ruin it. These girls would probably tell you I was a pretty decent guy, since I never had to blow anything up.

This is where I've been at for most of my years. As most people know, I had my "found Jesus!" moment where my life took a turn for the much better. I've stopped most of my destructive habits and am a much better person now. (See, there is light at the end of the tunnel!) I started going to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon church), I read scriptures, heck, I even give money to bums sometimes! I'm beginning to re-tool myself emotionally. As such, I felt it necessary to explain myself. Let me be very clear that this open letter is neither an apology nor an excuse. I am not trying to "repent" by telling these women I'm sorry and I am not trying to say that "It's all Holly's fault". I am merely explaining the why and wherefore's of why I've been such a mess. I'm better equipped now to be a better person but I'm sure there will be alot of kinks to work out.