Why do you let me stay here? Oh, You don't.

So, there I was, a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, serving in Billings, Montana. As a missionary you always have a "companion" someone who is with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except in the bathroom. My companion is one of my favorites, Elder Daniel Sexton. Great guy from the backwoods of Tennessee. Sneedville, to be exact (Can I get whoop whoop from all the Sneeds down in Sneedville?).

We live with a member of the church, which is something I haven't done much on my mission. This is actually odd, because most of the missionaries serving stateside these days usually do. I just got lucky enough to bounce around apartments. This is good because I'm 27 years old and unlike most of the missionaries in my mission I haven't lived at home for almost 10 years so I'm not really used to parents or rules or being clean. As such, I've already managed to inadvertently tick off our host and he's not really that comfortable having us stay there.

Now, for anonymity sake lets call our host Brother Smith. The latest reason Brother Smith is mad at me is because I have been leaving the doors unlocked. "You guys need to understand that there have been some break-ins in the area and you really need to start locking the doors behind you," he said.

We live downstairs in Brother Smith's house. This is also where he has a nice little office set up and a treadmill. Missionaries are to work out for at least 30 minutes a day, but we're in Montana. It's -400,000,000 degrees everyday in the winter and at 6:30 am, its even colder. The treadmill's looking pretty good. So, I decide to hop on the treadmill. I've got a good little run going but I'm getting really bored. I'm running in front of three large picture windows but the blinds are drawn. I bet if I opened them, I wouldn't be so bored. So, I hop off and try to pull the blinds.

So I go to pull the blinds and the cord breaks! Now, look. I know you think "Oh, Jimmy's out of his mind. He probably yarded on that thing with his freakishly super human strength and broke it". First, you're wrong about me yanking hard. Second, thanks for the strength comment, I do work out. I just gave that thing a normal tug and it busted. It was destined to happen the next time someone gave her a little pull, it just HAPPENED that that's when I do it and not our gracious host or hostess. Brother Smith is gonna be so pissed. I call Sexton in and all he does is laugh at me and leave. There's nothing I can do about it now so I get back on the treadmill.

As I'm running I start gazing out the window(it really does help!) and think about what Brother Smith's going to do to me when he sees what I've done to the window. Then a chain of thoughts.. Brother Smith... pissed off.. things I've done (or not done).. he told us to lock the door... break-ins in the area... did I lock the door? Oh, crap. I don't think I locked the door last night. Oh, man. He's going to come home, totally angry about the door and as he's carrying on about that I'll have to tell him that I broke his drawstring. I may not survive this.

BUMP! I think I heard something upstairs. Great! He's already home. Wait, Brother Smith doesn't come home at 6:45... It couldn't possibly...? BAM! Suddenly in front of me, in the window is a man peering in the bay window. He's got a woman's pantyhose on his head and the two feet are dangling like floppy rabbit ears and the swing wildly as he looks around inside the house.

"Holy CRAP!" I yell and fall on the still moving treadmill. As I lay on the ground writhing in pain, I notice that the robber is laughing. I take a closer look through the shade of a control-top pantie and realize I recognize that clown. Sexton walks through the door, trying VERY poorly to hide his laughter and pretend like he doesn't know what's going on.

We told the story to Brother Smith later, but he failed to find the humor. The drawstring was his last straw. We were booted within 48 hours. Oh well.

Now, here's the real question.

'

Where did he get a pair of women's pantyhose?