Whether you know it or not, there was a once upon a time where I was a pretty good alcoholic. Actually I wasn't pretty good, I was great. Everytime I went out I got the high score. Noone scored higher. Between amount consumed, bad decisions made and people pissed off I championed more than most. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, right?
I was living in Colorado Springs, Colorado at one of my peak times. I was scoring left and right at the "Drink till you Drop". I had recently got out of a particularly messy relationship (meaning I was a mess) and made a few key decisions. Firstly, I was never going to get married. That was obviously for chumps (much like college, right, Jim? Shut up, conscience!). Secondly, I needed a gnarly beard to help scare off any potential chicks that wanted a piece.
So, there I was (better late than never) and after months of my being the worlds biggest doucher to every female I saw, I'm up late one night drinking who the heck knows what, when I decided that I was lonely. Time for a little female companionship. Where would I meet someone though? I'm an unemployed loser who lives in a friends house. I wake up hungover at 3pm everyday just about time my friends get off work so I can get my new drink on. I only see 2 women and they're already connected. In between "Clonus" and "Ankle Biters" ( a great horror movie about vampiric dwarves!) I saw a commercial for eHarmony. They touted that they had set up thousands of happy couples. "I've never been so happy," says some neatly dressed overweight nerd with a supermodel on his arm.
I slowly make my blurry way to the computer and slump into the chair. eHarmony.com pops up and tells me that I'll have "thousands of results in just a few minutes!"
"Sheesh! Thousands? All I need is 1!" I think. I begin the process of inputing my information. This website asks me about every single aspect of my life from childhood to my religous views. Even though I'm at a particularly sarcastic point in my life I decide it's time for me to take this thing seriously. So I answer as well as I can even taking time to really think about my answers. 2 hours later, I'm about to finish. I take a deep breath and "submit".
What seems like hours tick by as I wait for my results. "Come on, " I'm thinking. "I don't need all 10,000 at once, just a couple hotties to chat up." No results. None. Zero. Eharmony comes back and informs that I am "unmatchable". Somehow in their internet database of hundreds of thousands of women with varying interests and feelings, I cannot be matched with any of them. I knew that I was a difficult dude but the idea that noone on the internet would want a guy like me had never passed through my mind. This just reinforced my ideas that ideas 1 and 2 were solid choices for my life. Needless to say, I don't remember much of the rest of the night.
I should reiterate that I have since made changes in my life and don't feel quite the same way. In fact, I'm certain that is a direct result of my poor decisions that things kept working out for me the way they did. I'm hopeful that someone will marry me regardless of what eHarmony thinks.
Quite the beard and quite the post, Jimmy. Also, I don't know when the last time was that I checked to make sure there is no permanent brain damage resulting from my propelling your noggin into the space between the car door and frame that one time in Helena (where I learned to never listen to anything Brig Heaps said ever again). Based on this post, you are able to write a coherent, humorous blog. I am relieved.
ReplyDelete